


Delusions

by SuzieCutie



Category: PAYDAY (Video Games)
Genre: Clover's a mess and can't sleep, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Paranoid Delusions, Reclaimed use of the D slur, Struggling with mental illness, Sydney's a good girlfriend, The latter three characters are extremely brief don't get your hopes up, There's a brief mention of Houkol, Wholesome lesbian love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-30
Updated: 2017-08-30
Packaged: 2018-12-21 16:40:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,681
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11948334
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SuzieCutie/pseuds/SuzieCutie
Summary: Her eyes stung as all of the screens came to life with a frantic shake of the mouse. It was only then, as she sat down in her chair, that the buzzing in the back of her mind let her think.





	Delusions

**Author's Note:**

> I've always read Clover as having paranoia due to her obsession with the surveillance system and keeping an eye on things. Maybe it's because i'm paranoid myself, and I understand the signs. Maybe i'm projecting a little too much. Who knows.  
> I dunno, but this felt good to write, if only to put how this sort of thing feels into words. Also, there isn't enough Clover / Sydney content in this world, and I refuse to let that be that way anymore. My lesbian ass deserves this.
> 
> ###  [❀ RECOMMENDED LISTENING ❀](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C2Jz3vMYSJc)

It was cold out.

It was always so god damn cold out.

The blanket she always took with her didn’t do much. It was small, and worn out after so many years of use. She’d long outgrown it, but if she tried to throw it away, she felt guilty. Maybe it was good luck. Maybe it was why things always turned out okay. If she threw it away, then things could start going wrong. So, she kept it. And she took it with her every single time she started feeling like this.

The pavement was rough, and rawed the soles of her feet as she rushed across the courtyard. It was very dark, and very late, and every little shadow made her more and more on edge. That ‘something bad’ her mind was always barking at her about could be hiding somewhere just outside her vision, and she hated it. Past the fence, she could see the garage door still open enough for her to get inside without making much of a ruckus. All she’d have to do was make it there, and hopefully, everything would be fine.

Clover was always good at fixing things. Being so meticulous at planning, and looking over every single minute detail made it so there was never something she wasn’t prepared for. She always had an extra clip of rounds, or a bandage wrap when someone needed it most. She even carried extra cigarettes sometimes, for when shit got stressful. No matter what it was, she could fix it.

What she couldn’t fix though, was this buzzing in the back of her head. She could fix being cold, she could fix cuts on her feet, but she couldn’t fix her nerves. That buzzing made her lose sleep, it made her pace around her room at ungodly hours, and it made her so scared that she threw up. It also what was what drove her to sprint across the yard to the Safe House some nights just to stare at the security cameras until she felt it was okay again.

This was almost a normal occurance at this point. The others had given up on trying to stop her; It usually just made things worse. It was obvious that they cared, but they just couldn’t understand what made her do the things she did. She was alright with that, though. She couldn’t understand it either.

She’d clumsily crawled underneath the garage door, and was already halfway up the stairs when she realized that she’d been holding her breath. As she got up to the double doors to the offices, she took a second to gather herself, but it didn’t help any. Everything was going a mile a minute, and it sounded like she’d just ran a marathon. Her mind was a jumbled mess, and she struggled to try and remember where the key to the doors was hidden.

The plant. Yes, it was underneath the plant.

Her movements were scrabbled as she rushed to turn the pot over, snatching the key up off the ground as if the lives of everyone sleeping across the yard depended on it. Her hands shook terribly, and it took a couple tries for her to get the key in the lock, but she managed. Once inside, she did a brief check to make sure that no one was hiding in the other half of the office, before diving into the surveillance room and shutting the blinds.

This was where she spent most of her nights these days. Surrounded by bright and whirring technology. All alone, with nothing but her rampant thoughts. Her eyes stung as all of the screens came to life with a frantic shake of the mouse. It was only then, as she sat down in her chair, that the buzzing in the back of her mind let her think. She could see everything from just this room, and it made it so nothing could ever sneak up on her. No surprises, no mistakes, no one jumping in to hurt the people she works so hard to protect.

Everything would be okay, so long as she sat there and watched.

As she started to catch her breath, she pulled her legs up to her chest and began to look over each of the camera feeds. There were two on each floor of the Safe House, save for the basement, which had three. The living quarters across the yard also had cameras in the halls, and that was what she was really concerned with. Her eyes painstakingly picked apart each scene, looking for anything out of place. Any small detail that could maybe point to something being awry.

“ **Rochelle**.”

Her name was spoken softly, yet to her, it sounded deafening. Her heart practically stopped as she jumped to her feet, shuffling to press her back against the table. It took a second for her eyes to adjust and see who was standing in the doorway after having her nose pressed against the screens. But when she realized, her posture relaxed the slightest.

Sydney.

It was Sydney. It was just Sydney.

She was still in her pajamas, her mohawk was an absolute mess. She had one of their big blankets tucked underneath her arm, and a flashlight in her other hand. The lights from the screens barely lit her up enough for Clover to see her clearly, and she was half expecting her to be mad. But where she thought anger would be, there was just concern.

“I.. Uh.. Hey.” Clover let out a shaky exhale, rubbing her eye with one of her hands, “I thought that.. you were asleep.”

“I only just got back to our room when you ran off. Yanno I can't fall asleep easily.” Her tone was tender, which she, again, wasn’t expecting.

“Oh.. Yeah. I’m sorry, I didn’t… I didn’t think you’d follow me out here.”

Briefly, Sydney went to make sure the doors were shut behind her before going to set the flashlight down and unfold the blanket she'd brought.

“I just get worried with you always being alone over here,” She stepped closer slowly, careful to not startle her, “And I brought this 'cause I know its cold, and that little thing doesn’t help you any. C’mere.”

Clover looked her up and down for a second, hesitating. Her mind came up with a hundred what if’s in that second, and a hundred reasons as to why she was terrified of showing vulnerability. But, she'd seen this much of her, so there was no point in hiding it anymore. With another exhale, Clover shuffled over and relaxed as the blanket cocooned her. It smelled like Sydney’s expensive cologne, and was warm, like she’d just pulled it out of the dryer.

The look on Sydney’s face softened, and ever so gently did she lean to pull Clover closer, resting her head atop hers.

“See? It sucks being out here all cold and alone, doesn’t it?”

The buzzing in the back of Clover’s mind hadn't quite been placated, so she couldn’t help but push her face into Sydney’s shoulder. With a few inhales, long and slow, she eventually caught herself. Few people on this planet had the effect on her like Sydney did. This intense sense of safety when she was around, and the genuine feeling of being cherished and cared for; It was something that Clover had gone too long without experiencing. Twenty-seven years worth of toddling around, constantly looking over her shoulder had a bad effect on her in the long run. So much so that it felt strange having someone love even the bad parts of her so willingly.

Slowly, Sydney moved for them to sit beside each other against the glass wall, not loosening her hold in the slightest. The screens dimmed, and for a second, the fear of sitting in the dark made Clover tense. Sydney picked up on this, and not so gracefully reached for the flashlight that was still sitting on the table. Clicking the button, she rested it on the floor and let it light up the room. It seemed that Clover didn’t always think of everything.

“So…” Sydney began, shifting to look down at her, “What uh… What bothered you enough to come runnin’ out here tonight?” She asked, tucking a strand of Clover’s hair behind her ear.

“It's complicated... And I don’t want to babble to you about crazy shite.”

“You know I’m all about crazy shit, Shelly. That, and I like any excuse to hear your voice."

Clover paused for a long while, replaying what Sydney said a few times over in her head. They had been dating for a month, two weeks and four days; She kept count. Bonnie was the one who pushed for them to stop having cold feet and make it official. It had been an awkward start, and they were still learning a lot about each other, but it was the nicest either of them had felt in a long time. Despite this, she still sometimes couldn’t understand why Sydney said the things she did. She never thought that her voice was pretty, or that she looked better with her hair down, or that her laugh was cute. Was she lying to her? She didn’t really think that, but sometimes, it felt like it.

“But you.. don’t gotta talk to me about what's going on if you don't wanna. I can just sit here with you if that'll make you feel better.”

Her zoning out was going to get her killed one of these days.

“No, no... I'm just having trouble figuring out how to word it." She frowned, "I don't talk about it often."

“Well, I’ve got plenty of time.”

Sydney wasn't exactly known for her patience, but she took a surprising amount of it when it came to delicate issues like this. Normally so pushy, she instead held her, rubbing small circles against Clover's back. In turn, she just sat there, nuzzled into her shoulder and trying to get her words situated in a way that didn’t sound like a mess. Few people had offered to listen before, and none of those people had the same relationship to her as Sydney. This was uncharted waters, and Clover hated not being able to predict things.

“I guess the best way to put it is that I was… worried.” A good start.

“Well, worried about what, then?”

“Everything.” A bad middle.

“That's a lot to be bothered over for just one person… Any specifics?”

Another pause. Specifics. There was no easy way to talk about the buzzing and how it made her feel. It was such an abstract concept that not even Clover knew what to call it. Paranoia was the book term, but that felt too nice, too clean. This was a whole different kind of monster, and it was one that she couldn’t see the face of. Good thing she was creative.

“Ya’ ever have one of those bad dreams... The kind where everyone you care about dies in terrible ways, and you wake up asking yourself what the fuck caused it?”

That was one way to put it.

“Yeah. Yeah, I do. It comes with this line of work, I guess.” Sydney was trying to joke, but Clover just sat there still, brow furrowed.

“It’s sorta like that, but all the time, every day.” She paused, shifting to hold the blanket tighter, “I’m always worried that there’s something lurking around that I can’t see, and if I relax for one second… You and everyone else sleeping in that house over there will be dead as a fucking doornail.”

“Shelly, you should know that nothing like that would ever happen. You've got a buncha' trained killers living over there, and plus, we've got Bain watching over us. It's safe.” Her tone wasn't dismissive, but it was obvious that it wasn't clicking in her head, so Clover frowned.

"Normally I know nothing is wrong, but this isn't rational. Whatever the fuck is going on in my head, it doesn't like listening to any kind of fucking reasoning I give it." If you listened, you could hear her voice quivering as she tapped her temple, "I tell it that we're professionals, it tells me that even professionals can get surprised. I tell it that Bain is watching out for us, and it tells me 'What if he isn't?'."

That helped clarify, it looked like. Sydney's eyes fell to the floor, mulling over her words for a bit, before looking at her again.

"I never really could've guessed that all of this shit you do in here was for us."

Not everyone knew about Clover's little bouts of restlessness, but those who did mostly assumed that she was just a workaholic, or was particularly concerned with the safety of the vault. No one had considered that it was because she was worried about the safety of their lives. Even the people closest to her probably had no idea, which spoke volumes about how well Clover hid her emotions. 

At her words though, she got incredulous, face contorting to distress now that all her laundry had been brought out to dry.

“Of course it is, Kelli! This is the only family I’ve got. God knows I’d never be able to forgive myself if anyone died because I wasn’t paying attention.” She was getting more worked up with every word, “So, I run out here like a fucking idiot, and I stare at those fucking computers all fucking night, waiting for the worst to happen. Because nothing this good can last long, not for someone like me.”

She'd hardly registered it, but tears had started running down her face halfway her sentence. This was the first time that Clover had let Sydney see her cry, and she hated that. Crying meant she was weak, and she didn’t want to be weak. She didn’t want to be taken advantage of. But all of these emotions had to go somewhere, and they’d reached that breaking point. Everything was spilling over all of a sudden, and all she could do was hide her face against Sydney’s side and bawl.

“I know that I’m going to lose you some day, and I’m just trying to push it off and off so it doesn’t have to be tomorrow, or the day after that.” She brought her hands up to her face, trying and failing to cover up all of this. She was an ugly crier.

“I’m _sorry_. I’m…” She inhaled shakily, trying to calm herself, “I’m such a mess.”

“ _Hey_ …” Slowly, Sydney shifted to pull her close to her chest, her arms wrapped tight around her, “Listen, you can cry all ya’ want. You don’t have to apologize for it. And you're not a fucking mess, I don't ever wanna hear you say that again. Anyone who's going through all the bullshit you're going through has more than enough reason to be upset in my book.”

At that, Clover took in a shaky breath, clutching onto Sydney’s shirt. She briefly thought back to all the times she’d imagine having someone understand. She didn’t even know what to say, or if she could say anything in the first place.

“I promise you I’m not going anywhere any time soon, and neither is anyone else. You’re stuck with us.” She paused, shifting to wipe her tears with her thumb, “And I’ll sit out here with you all night, if that’s what you need. You deserve to have one day where you don’t gotta worry. I’ll keep you safe, alright Shelly? It's okay.”

Clover was quiet for a long, long time, her grip loosening. It was as if the weight of all of Sydney’s actions and kind words had just hit her at once. Her mind was back to going a mile a minute, but the buzzing wasn’t there. It was just a goopy mess of possible ‘thank you’s and tears, and though she wanted to say something that expressed how much it meant to her, it just wasn’t happening.

So, all she could do was lean back and look up at her in this not so flattering light, smile spread on her face and tears running down her cheeks, and croak out the only thing she could think of;

“I love you _so_ much, Kelli.”

Over the course of one month, two weeks, and four days, they had shared a good deal of ‘I love you’s. But they were shy, and just the slightest bit shallow. It was hard to learn how to be romantic, especially when you haven’t known someone long. But that one there had a special sense of sincerity. Clover watched as Sydney’s face tinged red, and she couldn’t help but laugh. It was subtle, and barely audible over the computer fans whirring, but it was there. Sydney’s eyes darted all over the room, before she settled them back on her. There was a second of hesitance, before a big, stupid grin spread across her face, and she leaned to pull Clover close once again.

“I love you too.”

Hearing that made the buzzing come back. It was a brief moment of doubt; What if she didn’t really mean it. What if she was just saying that to make her happy. This sort of thing always happened when she wanted it least, and she hated it.

But, this time, it faded as Sydney held her tighter. Clover felt her hide her face in her hair, while tangling her fingers in its long wavy strands. If it was true that she didn’t actually care, why would she go through the lengths to show it? The more she thought about it, the more that feeling faded until it almost wasn’t there. For once, she allowed herself to loosen up and forget, at least while Sydney was around to hold her and keep her safe.

There was a few minutes of content silence, before Clover shifted to mumble against her neck.

"Hey Kelli..."

Sydney had started to doze off, but when Clover raised her voice, she snapped out of it.

“Yeah, what’s up?”

“I, uh… Thank you for this. All of this. I’m so… shite with showing appreciation, but--”

“Shit, you don’t have to thank me, Shelly.” She clicked her tongue, shifting to look down at her, “What kinda girlfriend would I be if I left you by yourself like this?”

Clover laughed again, sniffing and rubbing her face to get rid of any tears left over from earlier. She had a point.

“A pretty fucking shoddy one, I guess.”

“Exactly! Though…” Sydney paused for a second, moving to press her forehead against hers, “Call me an over sentimental dyke, but I do also like having it be just me and you.”

Her voice had taken on a softer tone, the same one as earlier. Clover knew that they didn’t get much time together, between Heists and other responsibilities. It sometimes felt like they’d go a whole day without even saying a word to each other. To say that she hated it would be an understatement. So, she cherished those sparse moments where it was just the two of them, without anyone coming to nag or haggle them. Something about this instance felt different, however. There was an extra level of delicacy to each touch, and a certain tenderness in Sydney’s eyes. Clover found herself idly slipping her arms around her neck, relaxing into their awkward positioning. The buzzing had been replaced with this light, fuzzy feeling. A feeling that made her chest feel tight, and her cheeks tint red.

The two of them sat there, gazing at each other without a word. Sydney had brought a free hand up to gently thumb over Clover’s cheekbone, the other wrapped snugly around her waist. Instinctively, almost, Clover leaned into her touch, her eyes fluttering shut. It felt nice being loved, and it felt nice having someone to hold and be held by.

“I… honestly don’t get to tell you enough, Rochelle; How much I really do just love you.”

Clover’s heart skipped several beats, and with an exhale did she look back up at her.

“I know… Though--” A smile creeped onto her face, “Call me an over sentimental dyke, but I love you too.”

It was rare that Clover got to see Sydney grin that big, sappy grin she was at that moment. It was the kind that was infectious, spreading like a wildfire. And, as Sydney tipped her chin up to kiss her, it spread to her too. There was no buzzing, no second guesses, no worries; Just two lesbians who only had eyes for each other, kissing on an uncomfortable office room floor.

The comfort of another human being couldn’t fix everything. In the long run, Clover knew she’d be taking antidepressants and mood stabilizers until the day she died. She knew that recovery was a thing, and it was doable, but she didn’t mind pill popping so much. It gave her a sense of routine. But, if anything, it felt nice to have someone along for the ride. For the longest time, she’d dealt with her problems, her emotions and her delusions by herself. So now, having this woman support her and even understand her struggle felt strange, but a good kind of strange.

Kisses and cuddles couldn’t fix Clover’s paranoia, but she’d be lying if she said it didn’t make her feel better.

“So…” Sydney began, leaning back to look down at her, “Do you still feel scared?”

Clover looked at her, then over at the monitors. She grazed over each little scene briefly, noting that everything was quiet and safe. Everyone was quiet and safe. With that, she turned her attention back to her.

“Less so.”

“Good… Because, to be honest, this floor is making my ass hurt.” She always had such a way with words.

“You and your sore arse are so romantic, you know that?” Clover teased, rolling her eyes and shifting to pull her blanket tighter around herself.

“Hey. I can’t fucking help that Hoxton chose the carpet that felt most like stiff cardboard for this damned office. It doesn’t even look that nice.”

“Trust me, if I could switch it out for something more vibrant, I would. He’s always been shite with interior design.”

Sydney couldn’t help but snort whilst she came to her feet, taking a second to stretch. They’d been crumpled up on that floor for about a half an hour now, and Clover could only wince as she heard Sydney’s joints crack.

“Doesn’t surprise me any. But here, since I hate to inconvenience you, _my sweetest darling_ , how about I carry you down to the living room and we can crash on the couch. Sound good?”

Now that she brought it up, Clover could feel her exhaustion catching up with her. She didn’t have it in her to walk all the way back to the sleeping quarters across the lawn, so this was her next best deal.

“Alright, but only if I can keep the blanket.” Smiling just the slightest, she reached out for Sydney to help her to her feet.

“Of course, I wouldn’t **dream** of depriving you.” Sydney smiled right back as she pulled her up, squeezing her hands gingerly. It took a bit of cooperation in their tired states, but with effort, she hoisted Clover up into a bridal carry. Grunting, she fumbled to turn the flashlight off with her foot, before starting down the stairs.

With the skylights above them, the downstairs was lit up better than the upstairs was. It wasn’t a particularly clear evening, but it was enough for Sydney to be able to see without tripping and sending them both flying. Things were always strewn about carelessly, and one of these days, someone was going to get yelled at for leaving it in such disarray. Not tonight, but someday.

Shuffling over to one of the couches, Sydney took care to not bump into the little coffee table while setting Clover down. The couch made an obnoxious squeaking sound whenever someone moved or sat on it, but at least it was comfortable. Sighing, she pulled her blanket tight around herself again to make up for where Sydney’s warmth was seconds ago. She glanced around the room idly, taking note that when she followed her up here, Sydney must’ve shut the garage door behind her. It was a habit to count out all of the possible exits, or entries, and she hated how kneejerk it was, but it was ultimately harmless.

Sydney had gone over to one of the windows, however, and cracked it open to let some fresh air in. Not by much, but enough. It got unusually stuffy down here, but that didn’t concern Clover.

It did concern the buzzing, though. Someone would pull it up the rest of the way from the outside, and climb in to kill them both while they were sleeping. Reflexively, Clover tensed, staring dead on. Sydney noticed this though, and paused halfway back to the couch.

“What’s scaring you?” She asked, defaulting into that concerned tone she had earlier.

“The window.”

“Why?”

“Someone… can come in through there.”

Looking back at the window, Sydney furrowed her brow, before turning back. She could see how worried Clover was, and put a smile on her face to try and ease her.

“Hey, listen. If anyone is stupid enough to come in here to try and hurt one of us, I’ll personally crack their skull open against that brick wall. Me and my big muscles promise you that.” To punctuate, she patted her bicep, grinning with a confidence that was so unique to her.

Clover stared off for awhile longer, eyes darting from the window, to Sydney, to the garage door and then back again. She wasn’t entirely convinced, and at that, the other came to sit down with her.

“I told you that I’d keep you safe, didn’t I? I meant it, Shelly. I’m not gonna let someone waltz in here on your night off and do something nasty.” She moved to grab her hand, giving it a comforting squeeze, “You can relax, it’s okay.”

Pensiveness washed over Clover’s face, but soon enough did she open her blanket up, reaching out for a hug. Her promise was plenty good enough for her.

Sydney moved to pull her close as she lay down, tucking her between herself and the back of the couch. In turn, she moved to drape the blanket over the both of them, hiding her face against Sydney’s neck again. Her hold was gentle, but firm, reminding Clover that she was safe. And that same expensive cologne from before soothed her as she tried to get comfortable and forget about the window.

“You’re not too smushed, are you?”

“No… I don’t mind being this close with you. You’re warm.” Sydney felt a little smile spread across Clover’s face.

“So you’re not after my love, it’s just my warmth. I’ll be sure to remember that next time.”

“Shut up.”

They both laughed for awhile, Sydney leaning to kiss the top of her head and twirl a bit of her hair around her finger. Clover let out a long, drawn out sigh, before closing her eyes and pressing a kiss to Sydney’s jaw.

“I love you, Kelli… Goodnight.”

“I love you too,” She paused to yawn, “Sweet dreams, Shelly.”

As sleep finally claimed them both, the last thing Clover thought about before drifting off was that little promise. Hearing it again in her head, she felt the buzzing die away.

Tonight, she’d sleep, and she’d sleep without a fear in the world.

* * *

#  **• ✘ •**

* * *

 

The garage door opening was the loudest thing that Clover had ever heard. It woke her with a start, and instinctively did she jump to prop herself up on her elbows. Was someone here to kill her? Was that the cops coming to raid the place? Light was filtering through the windows and the skylights, and it was clear that it was finally morning.

Even more clear though, as she had a second to think some more, was that Sydney was not here.

The buzzing was roaring and she didn’t even care about who was breaking in. Sydney was dead, she was sure of it. Someone had come in the window, and plucked her right out from under her. Or maybe, she’d come to her senses and realized that her and her emotions were too much of a hassle to deal with, and ran off in the night. Clover’s mind fabricated a hundred and one graphic and upsetting ideas as to what exactly had happened, and she could feel her heart race, and nausea in her stomach.

“Can you fucking idiots be quiet when you come inside for once? It’s nine in the fucking morning! You’re going to wake Clov--”

Clover, wide eyed, looked over to the steps that lead up to the kitchen. Sydney was standing there with a pan in her hand and a spatula in her other, and was pointing it at whoever so happened to wake up first. Though, she’d stopped herself when she noticed that Clover was already awake, and in a clear state of panic.

“Nice job Syd, you woke her up yourself.”

Houston was the one who pipped up, rubbing the exhaustion from his face as he stood in the doorway. Behind him, Jimmy and Sokol were shuffling under the garage door that he just opened, the both of them equally, if not more, tired.

So, it wasn’t someone coming in from the garage to finish the job and kill her as well. It was just… Houston.

“No, I’m pretty sure you and your loud ass door woke her up. But if you wanna run your mouth, I can stop working on breakfast and you can starve until Bonnie gets over here in a few hours.”

“Alright, alright.” Defensively, he raised his hands up in surrender, “I’ll shut up.”

“Smart man. I’ll give you an extra fried egg for being nice.”

Rolling his eyes, Houston shuffled past her, giving Clover a look before heading to the bathroom. The other two followed suit, albeit at a much slower pace.

Clover had had a few moments to finally gather herself after that scare, and now sat back with her blanket wrapped tight around her. Her heart hadn’t stopped racing, and her eyes were glued to Sydney to make sure that she wouldn’t suddenly disappear.

“Hey, Jimmy. How’d you sleep?” Sydney asked, whilst she passed him on the way to the couch. Clover didn’t hear a clear response, just a half groan, half scream that apparently was good enough for the other.

“What about you, Sokol. How’d you sleep?”

“Fine.” He squinted over at her, “I fell off me and Houston's bed when I was sleeping, and hurt my ass.” Sokol was never much for talking in the morning, so he just spared a wave to the two women before ducking into the bathroom after his boyfriend to brush his teeth.

Once the room had cleared, Sydney looked down at Clover, who was still staring at her. She could tell she was absolutely terrified, and with an apologetic smile did she lean to kiss her head.

“Sorry, I should have yelled at them a little quieter. Was that what scared you?”

“It’s what woke me up, but I was more scared to see if something bad happened to you. You weren't there when I woke up and..." She sighed, rubbing her face, "I overreacted. Again.”

“Oh jesus, I’m sorry, darl'. I was planning on being there when you woke up, but ‘Chucklefuck and Co.’ ruined that. Are you going to be alright? Do you want me to get you anything?” Sydney set the pan and spatula down on the coffee table, moving to take Clover’s head in her hands.

“Yeah, yeah. I’ll be okay. I’m just glad to know you’re still kickin’, that’s all.” Bringing a hand up to touch hers, Clover put on a tired smile. The buzzing had quieted down exponentially, and with an exhale did her heart finally relax.

“Though, I uh… I could go for some french toast, if you wouldn’t mind… doing that.”

Sydney’s face lit up for a second, and with a grin did she lean to kiss her. They were both a mess, and had morning breath, but it was fine. Pulling back, she tangled her fingers in her hair.

“I will make you the best god damn french-toast-breakfast-in-bed that you’ve ever had in your life. You just stay here and keep comfy, alright.”

“Alright… I love you, Kelli.”

With another kiss to her head, Sydney took her pan and headed back up to the kitchen, leaving Clover to herself. She couldn’t help but glance over at the window that she was so worried about last night. Nothing bad happened after all. Sydney’s promise kept it’s word, and that was a big deal. Maybe, things didn’t have to be as difficult as they were. Maybe she could afford to take breaks, and not have to worry all of the time. The concept of it felt almost alien to her.

But she liked it.

She could spend more time with the people she loved, and enjoy things that she couldn’t before. Her job could be fun again! It had been so long since she'd had let herself have proper fun. There was always a hidden danger to things that she couldn’t see, but it didn’t have to be that way. The buzzing would always be there, and Clover knew this. Inch by inch though, she’d work through it.

From the floor above her, she could hear Sydney singing. She couldn’t make out what song it was, but it made her smile nonetheless. Idly, she started to daydream about all of the sappy things she’d said to her last night, and how that kiss felt. The thought of it was almost embarrassing but… It made her realize something she’d been ignoring.

She didn’t feel alone anymore.

**Author's Note:**

> ### ❀ I hope you enjoyed reading! Comments are appreciated and encouraged! ❀
> 
>   
>    
>  **❀ If you liked it,[reblog it](http://swanmask/post/164782093384/ao3-delusions-delusions) on tumblr for me! ❀  
> **   
> 


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